Imaginary Conversations with Agent: John Scalzi and His Agent Discuss OLD MAN'S WAR Film Deal

Way back on December 11, science fiction author extraordinaire John Scalzi jokingly wrote -- in his AMC column -- that he "actually instructed my film agent to demand I get an extra $2 million if [Paul W.S. Anderson] attached to direct a movie based on one of my books." I found the statement amusing and commented yesterday that if the Haitian from Heroes actually existed, and could remove certain films from Paul W.S. Anderson's mind, I thought he would actually be a good director for Old Man's War and it's sequels.

As an aside, I personally find it awesome that Scalzi is essentially AMC's modern SF Joe Bob Briggs. That's pretty prestigious company to be in compadre.

In the past, I've written a couple of imaginary conversations like this Elektra review or this imaginary exchange at the Los Angeles Farmer's Market. I think that they are fun, and would like to do them more often. In fact, I'm going to try -- on a semi-regular basis -- to write imaginary conversation between entertainment figures and their agents. We'll see if you find them as fun as I do.

Combining the pleasure I get from writing imaginary conversations with the sinister thoughts that entered my mind after reading Scalzi's comments about Anderson, I submit to you the following.

AN IMAGINARY CONVERSATION BETWEEN JOHN SCALZI AND HIS FILM AGENT TOM STEIN

It's a wintery day in the countryside outside Dayton, OH. JOHN SCALZI sits in the window of his writing room looking out at the snow covered landscape. A deer meanders through the landscape. JOHN SCALZI smiles and looks down at YELLOW DOG who is sleeping at his feet.

The phone rings.

JOHN SCALZI
Hello.

TOM STEIN

John! I have great news! We've optioned OLD MAN'S WAR and it has been fast tracked into production by New Line Cinema.

JOHN SCALZI

Really?! That's amazing news. What does the contract look like?

TOM STEIN

They're offering $2.175 million up front with 2% of net profit.

JOHN SCALZI

Net?! That means I'll earn 2% of nothing. Even YELLOW DOG knows that.

TOM STEIN

YELLOW DOG doesn't even know what town he's in, but that's why I counter offered with 2% of gross, script oversight, and rewrite authority. They caved...but...

JOHN SCALZI

But...what?

TOM STEIN

Well...the reason they offered the $2.175 million is that I have had to activate your Paul W.S. Anderson clause.

JOHN SCALZI

The Haitian really exists?

TOM STEIN

No, but that's why there is a $2 million in front of the $175 thousand.

JOHN SCALZI

Excellent.

TOM STEIN

Excellent?

JOHN SCALZI

Yes. Now I can fulfill every genre writer's dream?

TOM STEIN

Dream?

JOHN SCALZI

There are certain genre giants, I call them "THE GREATS," who have all shared one thing in common...

TOM STEIN

Yawn...I think I hear my other line ringing.

JOHN SCALZI

They have all owned vast tracks of land with inspiring names like Goldeneye, Tarzana Ranch, Skywalker Ranch. At last! Mwah ha ha! Heinlandia shall be built!

TOM STEIN

Heinlandia sounds too much like Scandia. I could never sell any of your IP, if you lived in Heinlandia. How about Steinland?

PATRICK NIELSEN HAYDEN

Or Hayden Place?

TOM STEIN AND JOHN SCALZI

Huh?! What are you doing on this call?

PATRICK NIELSEN HAYDEN

I am always patched into the lines of writers I edit. Helps me make sure they are hard at work and not watching deer meander through pastures when they should be writing. I could never edit a writer who lived in Heinlandia, it just sounds silly. How about naming your tract after your hard working and dedicated editor?

JOHN SCALZI

Bah! Dammit! Fine. I'll name it Valentine Ranch. If you can't figure out why, you aren't worthy to be an SF editor or my agent.

AMCtv Streaming Classic 1967 Series The Prisoner

Can you say...W00t?

John Scalzi on Worst SF Film of Past 12 Months

Over at the AMCtv website, SF author extraordinaire John Scalzi gives his opinion regarding the worst SF film of the past 12 months. His choice of AVP: Requiem is what some might call a "gimme," but Scalzi's analysis of the film is full of the insight and humor that Scalzi fans know and love.

Two of his comments stuck in my minds eye as particularly noteworthy. The first is his statement, "there's bad, from which campy enjoyment can still be wrung (see: Speed Racer), and there's joyless, depressing bad, which this movie oozes." Never mind that I actually believe that Speed Racer is not merely entertaining, but also good. Leave that aside and the sentence manages to convey just how awful Scalzi found AVP:Requiem to be. He "shows rather than tells" as our English professors continually pounded into our heads. The thought of joyless and depressing ooze has a nice Lovecraftian feel to it. It's almost as if Scalzi is saying that the act of watching AVP:Requiem can provide viewers with full knowledge of true cosmic horror. Good meaty stuff this.

The second striking comment, more a set of comments, was "Paul W.S. Anderson, [is] a director of such general hackery that I've actually instructed my film agent to demand I get an extra $2 million if he's attached to direct a movie based on one of my books." Now I would love for Scalzi to receive an extra $2 million for having any of his books made into films. I don't need there to be a reason except for Scalzi's authorship. But it strikes me that he's being slightly unfair to Paul W.S. Anderson's actual ability to make an entertaining film.

Before you jump through the screen and choke me to death, let me assure you that I am not some kind of Anderson fanatic. Cinerati didn't exactly fawn over Deathrace, though we did find it entertaining. I just think that the director of Event Horizon and Soldier might be a good fit for The Ghost Brigades. We just have to bring the Haitian from Heroes in to remove things like AVP, Mortal Kombat, and the various Resident Evil films from Anderson's mind before production begins.

GAMA Executive Director Job Hunt: Missed It by That Much!

The Game Manufacturer's Association announced the hiring of their new Executive Director this morning. For the position, they selected John Ward who brings a wide array of management and retail experience to the organization. To quote the GAMA press release, "Ward...has over 20 years of government service in the criminal justice field, most recently in the juvenile system as the state of Ohio’s Bureau Chief of Parole and then Bureau Chief of Community Facilities. In this last role, he supervised 12 small correctional facilities and managed revenue generation for Ohio’s juvenile corrections agency, as well as working with 12 governing boards in a variety of endeavors. He enhanced volunteer programs, developed data and outcome measures, and was able to assist them in operationalizing both economic and procedural efficiencies. He still serves on a national level working and consulting in the criminal justice arena."

I wish him the best of luck and it sounds like the GAMA board's selection process last fall has brought a worthy candidate to the organization. It is my sincere hope that John is able to expand the size and scope of GAMA and that by next year's GAMA Trade Show, his positive influence is readily visible.

What many of you may not know is that I applied for this very position last fall and made it through to the final stage of selection (the final four if you will). GAMA flew me out to Columbus, OH where I had the privilege of meeting with the current board members in an in person interview. I had already had a "long distance" interview with Michelle Nephew of Atlas Games (she is a current board member) and was excited to have the opportunity to be considered for the position.

The trip out was one of the most exhilarating and exhausting experiences of my life. I flew out of Los Angeles the evening prior to my interview, arrived in Columbus early in the morning, and flew back the same evening I was interviewed. It was a grueling 42 hour day. I don't recommend 42 hour days, but it is one of the disadvantages of living on the West Coast that trips back East make for life draining journeys. Thankfully, I made my Fortitude Save and was coherent throughout my interview -- if a bit manic.

I applied for the position because it was one of those rare occasions where interests and talents align in an almost perfect manner. I have 8 years of management experience with a small staff at a non-profit. I have also managed several large -- not in comparison to Origins or the GTS (GAMA Trade Show) -- annual conferences in Washington, DC (for approximately 200 students) and a number of simulation elections, town hall forums, etc. Combining this experience with my overwhelming love of gaming as a hobby, and this was an opportunity that I could not overlook.

I wasn't certain that I would get as far in the process and I did. I was actually surprised that I made it into the final four individuals being considered. Especially, adding to my resume that I am currently working on my MBA -- my Ph.D. studies (2 courses -- qualifying exams -- and a dissertation are what remain for my fulfillment) are currently on hold -- which was likely a liability. No one wants to relocate someone who is in the process of accomplishing a goal. I am certain that was one reason I wasn't offered the position.

That...and the fact that John Ward is an awesome candidate. Looking over his background, I feel even more honored to have made it as far as I did.

Thank you for the interview GAMA and good luck John. Hopefully, I'll be able to go to Origins in 2009 or 2010 and I can congratulate you in person.

Best Cinerati Posts of 2008 by Month

At the beginning of each new year, we reflect upon what we have said and done in the previous year. Listed below are links to what we believe are the bests posts of 2008, organized by month of publication.

January 2008

• What can striking WGA writers learn from video game writers? A lot.
• Cure for the Dragon/Dungeon cancellation blues.

February 2008

• A Small Defense of 4th Edition D&D...in Theory
• Gore Verbinski on Films and Games

March 2008

• I Blame Michael Moorcock...or Del Rey Give Moorcock the Howard Treatment Part One: The Personal Version
• Watchmen Costumes Revealed and Other Random Geekery

April 2008

• Video (games) Haven't Killed the Mo-oo-vie Star...or the TV Star, or Table Top Gaming, or...

May 2008

• Academy of Adventure Gaming Arts and Design Announces Origin Awards Nominees (Part Two)

June 2008

• Xbox Live will soon begin delisting certain titles.

July 2008

• Sporadic Geek Update (7/7/08)

August 2008

• Cinerati Lexicon #1: Filmic Cultural Selectivity
• My Apprehensions Regarding DEATH RACE (2008)
• DEATH RACE (2008): How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Watching a Commercial for a Video Game

September 2008

• Board Game Review: ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK
• Bangkok Dangerous (2008): Thai Action Not as "Hot" as Hong Kong

October 2008

• In Memoriam Ten Years Later: Eugenie Lela-Ilsa Johnson 05/04/1952 - 10/07/1998

November 2008

• Happy News (I'm Back) and Sad News (Michael Crichton has Died)

December 2008

• "But Master, Why Must I Feed the Children Maggots?" A Narrative Game Review
• FRED CLAUS: A Late Holiday Review

Wow! You can really tell when the crunch times in my life were over the past year. Some months (May, June, and October) didn't have a lot of offerings to select from. In 2008, it was a struggle to get new blog posts up. Hopefully, 2009 won't suffer the same fate.

Who's the Master? A Rememberance of Julius J. Carry III (March 12, 1952 - August 19, 2008)

The end of one year, and the beginning of a new one, is a time for reflecting upon the memories of our past and the people who mentored, inspired, and/or entertained us. Over the next few days, I will be writing short remembrances of those among my favorite entertainers who died this year. I can think of no better person to begin with than Julius J. Carry III. Every geek/nerd has a list of actors that the geek/nerd will watch everything that actor stars in, no matter how bad. Typically, this list begins with Bruce Campbell, but not mine. Bruce Campbell is on my list, to be sure, but the top of my list -- and a very warm place in my heart -- has always belonged to Julius J. Carry III.

To understand my love for this character, one must look back in time to our pastel and neon colored past. I am, of course, referring to the 1980s. In this particular case, I am referring to the summer of 1986 and I had an obsession with Barry Gordy's film The Last Dragon starring Taimak and Julius J. Carry III, or -- as my obsession would have it -- starring Julius J. Carry III and Taimak. I absolutely loved the movie, much to the annoyance of my best friend Sean McPhail. You see, Sean had the movie on VHS and every time I visited his house I always wanted to watch The Last Dragon. Okay, either The Last Dragon or Hawk the Slayer, but the point here is that I would ask Sean to the point of nagging. His patience regarding this request, even granting that his answer was usually a sighing, eye-rolling NO, was really quite remarkable. I was pretty obsessed, and I am certain a little less than reasonable in the regularity and desperation with which I requested this film. My family didn't have a VCR at the time and Sean had to endure my bizarre movie cravings. Then again, it's his fault. He did introduce me to the film.

In The Last Dragon, Carry plays a character who is a fusion of what you would get if you merged Superfly with all the martial arts villains from the classic Shaw Brothers kung fu flix. In a word, Carry was the BADDEST thing I had ever seen on the screen. While, The Last Dragon is a Motown centric spoof of kung fu films, the film also beautifully satirizes MTV and it's a rip-roaring good time. Taimak makes a pretty good kung fu hero, if a bit limited in range, but it is Carry who steals the show. From the first moment Carry appeared on screen, to his fight scene with "Bruce Leroy" where he makes his hands glow -- you see he's a highly skilled fighter who can through intense focus make his hands glow -- I fell in love with this villain. The villain made the movie, and that movie made me a Carry fan.

Here's the fight between ShoNuff (Carry's character) and Bruce Leroy (Taimak), so you can get a glimpse of what hypnotized me as a teen.



There is no way that Samuel L. Jackson will be anything other than a caricature of this performance, if he actually plays the role in a possible remake of the film.

From The Last Dragon, I followed Carry to a couple of excellent television shows. First was the unforgettable geek extravaganza that was The Adventure's of Brisco County Jr.. This show had the geek irresistible combination of Bruce Campbell and Julius Carry. Dave Simkins, who worked with Carry on The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., has a short -- and kind -- remembrance. The show was quirky, fun, and set the stage for later Fox shows like Buffy and Firefly and USA's Burn Notice. Don't believe me? Watch an episode of Brisco, then watch one of the others. The "rhythms" of the shows are very similar. The combination of action and comedy, etc. I cannot imagine any of those shows being made were it not for Brisco -- though I doubt there would be a Brisco without a Wild, Wild, West, but that is another post entirely.

Then I followed Carry to a little sitcom called Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place. Carry was excellent on the show, as was Richard Ruccolo, and this show expanded my crush on the very entertaining Traylor Howard. It also introduced me to Nathan Fillion...What's that? Another Firefly connection? Sadly, the show became Two Guys and a Girl after only 13 episodes as the Pizza place was shifted to the side. After that, Carry got steady work as a guest star, but no regular lead/support roles.

Julius J. Carry III entertained me and conversations about the characters he played have turned acquaintances into friends. He died last August of pancreatic cancer at the -- to young -- age of 56.

I will miss him in the selfish way that all fans miss those who entertain them.

Tor Brings You Zombies for Christmas. Who'da Thunk?

Many people think that Christmas ends on Christmas day. They spend the weekend, or the day, after Christmas taking down their decorations and tree. In doing so, they are ending the celebration mid-event. As is hinted at in the perennial Christmas carol about a certain partridge in a pair tree, there are 12 days of Christmas. Traditions vary as to whether Christmas morning is when one begins counting the days, or Christmas evening. One thing is certain, Christmas ends on January 6th with the celebration of Epiphany -- or 12th night for Shakespeare fans -- or Christmas for Orthodox Christians.

Tor books, the people who brought us Better Zombies through Physics, is offering us a Zombie treat for each of the 12 days of Christmas. 12 days of brain eating horror. Seems a pretty good Christmas gift if you ask me. If only they began the festivities on December 25th instead of December 22.

But maybe Zombie Christmas is on the 22nd of December and Orthodox Zombie Christmas is on January 2nd.