Shoot 'Em Up: Can we decide if this is an action comedy or an ironic complaint please?

I watch a lot of movies, which means I watch some good movies and a lot of bad movies. The two worst movies I have seen this year are Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (on the small screen) and Shoot 'Em Up (on the big screen). The fact that I watched Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter in the first place should be a hint that I am not exactly a snob when it comes to the movies I watch and love. Hawk the Slayer is one of my all time favorite films after all. But my love of cheesy films doesn't change the fact that not only is Shoot 'Em Up not a good movie, it isn't even a fun movie.

Let me give you a quick rundown of the plot.

BEGIN SYNOPSIS --The film opens with LONE WOLF, not the character's name but the character's type (Clive Owen), sitting at a bus bench waiting for public transit. Suddenly, a pregnant woman, quickly followed by a horde of thugs, runs by LONE WOLF. LONE WOLF follows, helps lady give birth to CUB (by shooting the umbilical cord with a gun no less), and enters into a 3-Day (90 minutes our time) gunfight while trying to protect CUB from the DAIMYO's assassin (Paul Giamatti) and his legion of underlings. While protecting CUB, LONE WOLF recruits LACTATING PROSTITUTE to feed CUB (CUB's mother dies early on in the continual gunfight) while the 90 minute gunfight ensues. The gunfight goes from one level of extreme action to another, raising the stakes as far as it can (sometimes to absurd levels), but finally reaching a plateau and arguably a decline after a parachuting gun battle where the thugs become a thunderstorm's worth of "corpse-drops." END SYNOPSIS

So far, the film sounds like it could be a great amount of mindless fun inspired by every action film we have ever seen. Everything from Hard Boiled to The Spy Who Loved Me are referenced in the action sequences (there's even a nod to Snakes on a Plane), which brings me to my criticism. This film cannot decide whether it is a rip roaring action comedy like Kung Fu Hustle, which plays with tropes, or if it is Hot Shots: Part Deux. The film stumbles between wonderful action and bizarre spoof.

Whether it is the name of the lactating prostitute, DQ -- you know for Dairy Queen, or the protagonists absurd addiction to carrots and Bugs Bunny quotation, the film continually inserts jokes which detract from the action narrative rather than add to it. The director can't even decide whether he is attempting to give us a visual argument why Clive Owen should have been James Bond or whether he is making fun of the Bond character (the opening gunfight has a Walther reference).

Even the action sequences, which are the best part of the film, finally reach a point of saturation. At some point the director ran out of ideas regarding how to out do the action in the previous scene. From my point of view, that would be about the time of the "corpsedrops" falling on my head scene. The parachuting gunfight is brilliant, but what follows seems dull in comparison. The film lacks a sense of pace and when the action stops, which doesn't include the sex scene during which the gunfight continues, it is to insert some really bizarre imagery. The highest example being when Paul Giamatti milks the breast of the dead pregnant woman. Another being the fact that the cause of the gunfight is due to the DAIMYO needing the baby for a marrow transplant and of his entire "baby factory" only one came out compatible.

If Shoot 'Em Up is an homage to John Woo, then it is an homage to the "Say You're Impotent" scene at the end of Hard Boiled which forgets that the best part of that film was the tension regarding the undercover cop and whether or not he will survive.

I like Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti and I think that Monica Bellucci is one of the most beautiful women in the history of the world. But even given those factors, I can't recommend Shoot 'Em Up unless you don't find being stabbed through the brain with a half eaten carrot to be to implausible. If that is the case, you might just enjoy it. As for saying, "I'll just catch it on DVD," let me just say the following. If you are going to see Shoot 'Em Up, make sure you see it on the big screen. It is a bad movie, that is only made worse by watching it on the small screen. Any scene that it has worth seeing, must be seen on the big screen.

Ah, Sweet Nostalgia.

I want my...I want my...I want my YouTv...

I remember the early days of Music Television. You remember right? Back when they still played music and videos. One of my favorite songs was the Buggles "Video Killed the Radio Star." Watch the above video and you might see why.

Thanks to Jackie Danicki for pointing this one out.

Are You Ready to Ruuuuuummmmbbbllllle (Sacriligiously?!)

Then it's time for a little Bible Fight action.

Hat Tip to Greg Costikyan's Play This Thing site.

The Latest Gamer Meme: How Many Do You Own?

Since the announcement, and release at Gen Con, of Hobby Games: The 100 Best there has been a running meme where gamers list which games within the 100 they own and/or play. Never one to give up an opportunity to brag regarding my gaming and gaming collection, I thought that I would join in the fun.

The format that has become common in this meme is to take the full list of 100 games and italicize those that one owns and italicize and bold those that you both own and have played. I won't be doing that. I want to add some brief thoughts as to what I think of those games I own, and/or have played, so I will be doing several posts instead of the one.

Today, I taking the first 15 games and later posts will cover the remainder of the list.

1. Bruce C. Shelley on Acquire: I picked up the most recent edition of this classic Sid Sackson boardgame when it was part of a liquidation sale at a local Wizards of the Coast store, back in the day. In the years that I have owned the game, I have yet to open it. From what I have read, and heard, about the game, I am doing myself a great disservice. I fully plan on playing this game, when and if I can convince my gaming group to take another weekend off from roleplaying.



2. Nicole Lindroos on Amber Diceless: As a "how to" guide for gamemastering a roleplaying game, this product is amazing. As an actual roleplaying game itself...yawn. It is a great setting, and the bidding war during character creation is genius, but the "whoever is better wins unless player/gm are super-creative" system of resolution is kind of a cop out. If you have a great GM of a particular breed, this is a great game. If you have a great GM of a different breed or an average GM, this game can be awful. All of which is a pure product of the rules. To be honest "better person wins unless it advances the story or meets GM/Player whim" isn't a game system, it's storytelling guidelines. Once Upon A Time is as much a roleplaying game as Amber. That said, let me re-emphasize that the gamemastering techniques section of the rulebook were, and are still, ground breaking.



3. Ian Livingstone on Amun-Re



4. Stewart Wieck on Ars Magica: This was the first real "story driven" rpg I ever played. The system was simple when it needed to be, technical when it needed to be, and arcane when dealing with magic. The games that are "legacies" of Ars Magica are legion, all the Storyteller books for example, yet most lack the simple fun of this game. This was another game with a great section on GM-ing.



5. Thomas M. Reid on Axis & Allies: This is the game, more than any other, that made me like wargaming. It isn't the most robust of wargames, but it is easy to play and understand and translates its subject well into rules format. Sure it takes hours to set up and possibly days to play, but I have some fond memories of this game. Memories which are only surpassed by my Broadsides and Boarding Parties memories.


Tracy Hickman on Battle Cry: Prior to playing this game, I imagined that all wargames needed to take a long time to play, but the Command and Colors system utilized in this game proved me wrong. The rules are simple and swift, the game almost takes longer to set up than play, and you can simulate numerous battles of the Civil War in an afternoon. This game is why I bought Battlelore.


6. Philip Reed on BattleTech: My parents would have been happier if I hadn't discovered this game my Junior year of high school. Between work, baseball, and BattleTech, I didn't spend a lot of time with family. I still have yet to play the game with miniatures instead of cardboard stand ups though.



7. Justin Achilli on Blood Bowl: The most recent edition, especially whatever digital rulebook is currently available, might be the most balanced and fastest playing version, but give me the crazy Second Edition with the Astrogranite gameboard and the crazy expansion books any day of the week. I want to roll numbers, not symbols. I just think the second edition did a better job of conveying the background and feel of the game, and that's why I keep coming back.



8. Mike Selinker on Bohnanza



9. Tom Dalgliesh on Britannia: I'm still waiting for a chance to play my beautiful Fantasy Flight Games edition.



10. Greg Stolze on Button Men: A game you can play anywhere, at anytime, like while wandering through the convention halls? I'm in. This is a simple game to play that is just great, cheap, silly, fun.



11. Monte Cook on Call of Cthulhu: Universally accepted as the "best" horror rpg. This is more due to the source material (and the excellent written adventures) than the rules, though those are serviceable. The one innovation that set this apart from games before it, and which has been poorly imitated later, is the addition of sanity rules by which player's characters can go mad, mad, mad I tell you. Not a great game for "campaign" play, but if it were would players ever actually be able to feel the "fear" that ought to be a part of a horror game?



12. Steven E. Schend on Carcassonne: I am still waiting to crack open my copy of this game. Though I hear it is one of the great "gateway" games.



13. Jeff Tidball on Car Wars: The summer after 8th grade had my friends, and me, blowing the living snot out of one another in our post-apocalyptic automobiles. I couldn't watch Mad Max without immediately wanting to play a follow up Car Wars game.



14. Bill Bridges on Champions: You wouldn't know it from the current edition, but this game was once much easier to learn than D&D. Champions was the first superhero rpg I ever played, and it has set the benchmark against which all others are governed. I believe that earlier editions were more free-form and left more room for on the fly creativity. The current rules set has become very "granular" and players often take a "What is on the character sheet is what you can do approach" that wasn't emphasized in older editions. That said, this is still a great game and the best "war game" simulation of super heroic combat ever crafted. As far as playing it as an rpg, I take mine Mutants and Masterminds (though it is becoming a little to granular) or DC Heroes (my favorite superhero rpg) now. But I have to say...those days of Rob saying, "Meanwhile...back at the ranch--Pachew, Bang, Pachew," those are priceless.

The Trojan Horse: Could it really have worked?

A friend of mine and I often discuss whether the Greeks actually could have used a hollow wooden horse to trick the Trojans as depicted in the Iliad. My friend firmly believes that no one would be dumb enough to fall for this trick, but if the video below is any indication lots of people might be dumb enough to fall for it. Though it appears that the descendants of the original Trojans have learned their lesson and that the Australian military are wise to Greek tricks as well.

Hat tip to Got Medieval via Unlocked Wordhoard.

What You Should Watch/Read/Play

Tonight's episode of Geekerati, themed "What You Should Watch, Read, and Play," will feature an interview with James Lowder who edited Hobby Games: The 100 Best for Green Ronin Publishing. James will discuss the upcoming book, which will be released on September 15th, and give us some thoughts on what he thinks we should all be watching, reading, and playing, as will all of our regular panelists. Give a listen and see what we think, or give us a call at(646) 478-5041 during the show.

The show starts at 7pm Pacific and airs for an hour. You can listen to an archive of the episode approximately 20 minutes after the show airs, this is largely due to our "bonus footage" conversation which makes the recorded show last 20 minutes longer than the aired show.

More Print Periodical Woes and Some Good News Too.

Before I write about a couple of items that I think are great news for those who like games etc., I would like to point out that we have another casualty on the print periodical front. My last post was about the future of print newspapers. In it, I mentioned that Premiere magazine and Disney Adventures had been canceled and would likely only exist in digital format.

I didn't mention, though I should have, that both Dungeon and Dragon magazine ended publication this month in an event that caused great stir in the gaming community. I should have mentioned Dungeon and Dragon if only to point out that when magazines with circulations over half-a-million are going digital only, it should not have surprised gamers that Dungeon and Dragon (who have a much lower circulation) should move to that format.

That said...it appears that Inquest Magazine, the magazine for the collectible card game hobby, is also closing its shades with no word whether it will go digital or not. There are a lot of great things about this here digital revolution, but watching all these magazines fold up isn't one of them.

NOW FOR THE GOOD NEWS.

There are several games coming out in the near future which make me absolutely giddy.

First, there will be a new edition of the Tales of the Arabian Nights boardgame. Z-Man Games will be releasing the new edition some time next year. Tales is one of those crazy games which cause ridiculous bidding wars on ebay. The game can cost upwards of $200.00, on a good day. I remember playing this game with my friend Roger Frederick a couple of times and marveling at how much fun we had.

Second, Fantasy Flight Games will be doing new versions of Cosmic Encounter and Borderlands as well as a Twilight Imperium adaptation of the old Avalon Hill Dune boardgame.

If only I had unlimited time to play games.

Oh, and the Solomon Kane roleplaying game will be shipping this October. I really can't wait for this gem. I wish I was one of the lucky few who purchased it at Gen Con.