Don't Hassle the Hoff!

Fritz and I were talking about the Hoff the other day, and about how he is one of the most "googled" figures on the interweb. I was astonished, but Fritz said, "Hey...don't hassle the Hoff!" Truth be told, I hadn't heard that before. Apparently, it's a real saying because David "The Hoff" Hasslehoff wears a T-Shirt with that very slogan in this music video.

The video freaked me out. First, Hasslehoff is driving from the wrong seat. I don't care where the steering wheel in Australia is, Kitt is an American car. Second, the women responding to the Hoff sound like a bad version of ABBA. Third, it's just too weird. This video, hat tip to Monitor Duty, just went on my must see list next to Shatner's version of Se7en.

Step Over Cody Banks, Here Comes Alex Rider

Hoping to capitalize on the very successful youth movie market, Samuelson Productions and the Weinstein company are releasing the $40 million teen-spy thriller Stormbreaker in England this Friday. The film is based on the successful Alex Rider novel series by Anthony Horowitz and the production companies hope that the film will be successful enough to start a new teen movie franchise.

When analyzing the financial expectations of the film, the Reuters article linked above makes comparisons to the blockbuster youth fantasy movies that have come out in recent years. Reuters discusses everything from Harry Potter to C.S. Lewis in setting the stage for the production companies' hopes, but I think this is the wrong comparison to use. Though these successful youth oriented, if I even accept that proposition, films are based on successful book franchises (as is Stormbreaker), the comparison really ends there. The Alex Rider novels, and the movie, are spy tales and ought to be compared to previous entries in the "youth spy" genre. In my view a proper comparison would be to the Agent Cody Banks and Spy Kids franchises. While these franchises haven't been as lucrative as Harry Potter, and the others, they match genre type and set a proper stage for audience expectations. This is particularly true with audiences in the United States who will be less familiar than British audiences with the novel series and will merely have genre to fall back on when deciding whether to attend the film or not.

So...in comparison to Agent Cody Banks and Spy Kids how does Stormbreaker look? You can view the preview at the official Stormbreaker website, as I have. From what I have seen, in the preview which isn't really much to base a conclusion on really, Stormbreaker looks both just as silly and yet more serious than the two films I mentioned. The young actor (Alex Pettyfer) selected to play Alex Rider doesn't look as silly as Cody Bank's Frankie Muniz. The special effects look impressive, and at first glance the cast is filled with excellent British actors like Ewan McGregor, Bill Nighy, and Robbie Coltrane which brings hopeful imaginings of a fairly serious story. But as I watched more of the preview, I saw that the film also includes Mickey Rourke and Alicia Silverstone which makes one imagine a more silly tale.



I am at a loss. I don't know whether the film will be silly or serious, a mixture of the two, engaging or campy. I just don't know. What I do know is that the camera work looks, from the preview, to be very good in comparison to the other teen spy films I mentioned. I also know that the film includes Ewan McGregor and I'll watch him in anything. BTW, if the Stormbreaker preview is any kind of indicator, Ewan would have made a very good Bond (even though I think Daniel Craig will be great).

It should be noted that comparisons to the Spy Kids series, rather than the very successful Harry Potter series, were not meant to be dismissive of the film's potential to be profitable. According to pro.imdb.com, the first Spy Kids film made $190 million in Worldwide boxoffice and only cost $35 million to make, figures that would make the producers of Stormbreaker very happy.

For my final assessment we will all have to wait for August 18th (or October depending on whether IMDB or Fandango are correct), when Stormbreaker hits the American market.

Kim Masters is Undercover on Miami Vice

It appears that Michael Mann's film version of Miami Vice has hit a snag in production and Universal is having to fight pre-release negative press. Jamie Foxx left the set and refused to shoot any scenes outside the United States forcing Mann to film his ending differently.

I know on the face that sounds scandalous, but when you read Masters's story at Slate you'll get the full picture. I'm just trying to get you interested.

Take note that there are almost no pastel's in any of the images.

It is a very good article, with which I have only one quibble. Did Masters forget, in the opening paragraph, that Michael Mann's production company made Miami Vice? Dick Wolf, John Milius, Robert Crais? Those guys suck as writers right?

To be fair, I really only like the first couple seasons of Vice and most of the "homage" films of late have been spoofs, but that is no reason to think that a Starsky and Hutch movie done straight couldn't have been good. Oh, and Michael Mann worked on that series too. "Texas Longhorn" and "Jo-Jo" were First Season Michael Mann episodes.

Forget to Ask the Hot Cop for Her Number?

If you did, don't call 911 and try to find a way to contact her. Lorna Dudash, having found the young police officer who responded to a 911 call she had made regarding noise in her apartment, tried this very thing. What was she thinking?

"Hmmm...That cop was cute. Do I call the local police station and ask how to get in touch with him? Nah. How about writing a letter to the local station? Nah. Wait! I've got it, I'll use the emergency only number to see if they can send him back to my house! Excellent. After all, I'm 45 and my dating life needs emergency assistance."

It turns out the police officer did respond to her call, only this time to arrest her. She faces up to a year in jail and a $6000 fine. Maybe he'll wait for her, and if so the relationships is certainly worth 6G. Of course, after a year in jail all her relationship troubles may be over.

Bill Buckner? What About Bob Stanley?

After watching his wild pitch allowing the tying run, you'll know what I mean. Here is a re-enactment of the dreadful inning in beatiful 8 bit style.

Iconic Girl Next Door Passes Away

Last weekend, I renewed one of my teenage crushes. Ever since I saw her as Constance Bonacieux in the Gene Kelley version of The Three Musketeers, I have had a crush on June Allyson. That crush was renewed over the 4th of July weekend when I saw her perform as Ethel Stratton in the classic Jimmy Stewart baseball film "The Stratton Story."

She was perfect as the wife who supported her husband after the loss of his leg. I can still see her standing, holding the catcher's mitt and pounding the pocket, helping Jimmy Stewart learn to pitch on a wooden leg. The scene I just wrote reads like it might have looked ridiculous, but June Allyson was so charming that it became easy to ignore Jimmy Stewart's awful pitches. All that mattered was Allyson's reactions and they were charming and sincere. In The Stratton Story, June Allyson played the girl next door and brought back my boyhood crush.

I was saddened today by the news that she had died this weekend. I was first informed of the news by our friend J.C. Loophole over at The Shelf, but the news story on my morning news show followed almost immediately.

She was 88 when she died of pulmonary respiratory failure and acute bronchitis, but she will always be 20 something to me.

Pirates 2: Not Enough Swashing and Too Much Buckling

Do you remember those days of yore when exciting films of swashbuckling action played on the big screen?

No?

Me either.

When I was growing up, the best swashbuckling films had already been made and I watched them on Saturday afternoons or late Saturday night. The swashbuckling adventures that played on the big screen when I was young were terrible. They were either tongue-in-cheek affairs like Yellowbeard, awkward executions like Pirates, or miserable adaptations like The Pirate Movie. Sure there were some bright spots like Swashbuckler, but for the most part my youth was spent watching either spoofs of swashbuckling films on a larger than life medium, or watching larger than life swashbuckling films on a 24" screen.

Then as a teen and twenty-something tyke things only got worse. I had to endure the horror of Cutthroat Island, possibly the worst movie ever made. It just seemed that Hollywood had become incapable of making a serious swashbuckling film anymore. All they could make were parodies of classic films made decades before. The best swashbuckling film of my teen years was The Princess Bride, but even it (and it is a great film) took its subject matter less than seriously. After Cutthroat Island, I had lost hope that Hollywood would ever make another good traditional swashbuckling film.

Then I saw Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. Finally, the magic of swashbuckling adventure was back. Beautiful women, rope swinging, duels, pirates, and canon fire were once more a part of Hollywood and I couldn't be happier. Add to this the release of Master and Commander and I was a truly happy man.

So, like much of America, I lined up to watch the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest with high hopes. The film is the second in what is to be a trilogy of Pirates films. I entered the theater quivering with excitement and I left the movie in a state of confusion.

The latest entry in the Pirates franchise has three very interesting narratives going on within its over two-hours of storytelling and one less interesting narrative (there are additional subplots as well). The first narrative, the least explored and most interesting, is the growing power of the East India Company and their desire to acquire a superweapon with which they can control the high seas.

The second narrative is the desire of Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) to "save his soul" from Davy Jones (Bill Nighy). Jones had returned Sparrow's ship from the depths of the sea in return for Sparrow's servitude 13 years after the raising of the ship. Like the first film, Sparrow is again in risk of losing his soul to an undead captain and is, once more, at risk of becoming an undead crewmember.

The third narrative is the story of Davy Jones himself. Davy Jones is a tragic villain who once loved a woman, but due to complications ended up cutting his heart out and placing it (still beating) into a chest. As long as the heart beat within the chest, Jones would be immortal. Here's where the title of the film takes dual meaning. The "Dead Man's Chest" refers not only to the physical chest storing Jones' still beating heart, but also the empty chest within Jones' physical body where the heart should be beating. Jones' narrative has a couple of primary points. First he scours the seas in search of crewmembers to serve as undead henchmen on his crew. To do this he often unleashes the Kraken (no Clash of the Titans giggles please) to destroy ships sailing the seas. Second, he still pines for his lost love, playing the organ and listening to a heart shaped music-box. The narrative leaves open the potential of redeeming this heartbroken villain.

The less interesting fourth narrative is the romantic triangle of Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley), and Jack Sparrow. Where the first film had Sparrow flirt with Swann, the audience always knew the young lovers would be together. No longer is this the case. As the film's storylines play out, Swann discovers that she may have more in common with Sparrow than she imagines. Where Turner is forthright and virtuous, features that often require greater than normal heroics, Sparrow is self-centered and dishonest. As Swann gets deeper and deeper into the story, she begins to discover how dishonest and self-centered she is.

This Pirates film is darker and less linear than the first film. Where the first film was a roller coaster of action leading to a structural conclusion, this film divides the characters and ends with the need of resolution. In many ways, the film shares a great deal narratively with Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. The film separates the main characters, has each follow a particular story, and ends on an unresolved down note. The bad guys are winning at the end of the film, but hope remains. There was more drama, but less excitement and fun in this production.



The special effects, in particular the creature designs by Mark McCreery (Galaxy Quest and Van Helsing) are remarkable. You can see some of his design work on the crew in this clip (Jack Trades Will ) featuring Davy Jones and Will Turner. One of the key features in the film is the use of new motion capture technology. According to USA Today, "Davy Jones is cut from a very different cloth. He was created with motion-capture technology, similar to what Andy Serkis did with Gollum in The Lord of the Rings and the giant ape in King Kong and Tom Hanks as the multiple characters of The Polar Express." Nighy's performance is entirely motion capture. He performed on set in a motion capture suit, instead of makeup, and the results were impressive. I had been wary of this technology after seeing Polar Express and fearful of what the upcoming motion capture Beowulf adaptation would look like. But after seeing the Davy Jones sequences, I am now anxiously awaiting more uses of the technology.

As an additional highlight, while there is less swashing (action) than buckling (boring talking head stuff) in this film, there is still one remarkable duel featuring a water wheel. This fight really is not to be missed.



Overall, I believe the film will be worth watching only after seeing the third and final installment of the series. I left feeling lost, alone, and sad. Quite the opposite of the emotions I expected going into the film. If Gore Verbinski and crew can complete the open narratives and redeem our heroes in the third film, this may end up being viewed as the best film in the series in retrospect. If the narratives are left unresolved, the film will be viewed as a failure. One thing is for sure, the film feels unfinished and very much like the middle part of a narrative. It is a good thing that is exactly what this film is.

Now I know what it felt like to be one of those kids who watched the serials in the theater. Well with one big difference. I have to wait a year to find out what happens.

Overall, I enjoyed the film, but I wanted it to be more lighthearted and hopeful.
If you go out to see it and don't enjoy the movie, but you like the "idea" of it, you must rush out immediately and purchase Wiz Kids Games' Pirates of Davy Jones' Curse.